Self-awareness is the key to change

(中文在英文後面)

I was observing myself about all the thoughts, emotions, and reactions from the day I was told by my landlord that I need to move out of the house because I can’t work from home and her mother and her boyfriend are concerning the risks I may bring to her.  This was a week before Christmas, 10 months after the first Shelter-in-Place order in March, the vaccine is on the market, and I have been healthy and careful.

We create thoughts, the thoughts come with emotions, and the emotions will bring out different reactions.

My landlord and I have a good relationship for the past two years so I was shocked at first because I didn’t see this coming; especially, the vaccines become available so the virus should be able to control in a few months. However, I didn’t want to fuss about it, so I agree to move.  She gave me until early February (6 weeks) so I start looking. I know the timing is not great, so I need some luck.

On top of that, I am not able to visit families and friends in Taiwan like I usually do in December, and I begin to notice how my hormone affect my mood before my period. So I watch my own mood going ups and downs from day to day, week to week.  I caught myself having different thoughts at different times and surprised by how the emotions and reactions can be so different.  That’s the moment I realized that “I create my own thoughts which bring out different emotions and reactions” is true. But change or choose your thoughts take a lot of practice, and awareness is the first step.

Moving – it can be a bad thing or a good thing which depends on how you look at it. It can mean a new life in a new place. It can bring excitement because of the changes.  However, moving also requires a lot of work (finding a new place take times and luck; packing and unpacking; getting used to the new area) and it also makes me feel unsettled, so I don’t like to move around a lot (I moved a lot when I was growing up). “Home” is a grounding place for me to feel safe and belonging.

I used to own a home for 12 years when I was married, and that’s the first time in my life that I can call it “my home”. So the last five years renting a room with roommates in two different single-family houses wasn’t easy for me (even though I have good roommates) but it is what feels close to what I used to have.

My initial plan was, looking for a room in a single-family house because it is what I used to and it’s nice knowing someone is home when I get home. But this time, I have a hard time finding a nice one because not everyone is as clean and organize as me. Two weeks have gone by, now I am open to the idea that I rent a Duplex or Single-Family House (SFH) or Townhouse (TH) first and then find my own roommate, so I have more control.  Another two weeks gone by, I still didn’t find a place that I would want to stay for a year or two, now I am stressed because I have only 10 days left. Now, an apartment might be my last option, so I spent a day looking for just 1-bedroom apartments. Guess what? I like the first apartment I saw compare to all the other ones I looked at afterward.

The unit I liked, there are a few things that I don’t like, for example, it’s on the second floor, it doesn’t have in-unit laundry, a bit farther south.  However, the whole apartment has only 8 units, no fitness room nor pool, very simple.  The unit located on the corner of the EW side so it’s very bright, wood floor throughout, the kitchen and the bathroom has been updated, the community feels safe and quiet, street parking is easy, and communication with the landlord was smooth and easy from the beginning so I really felt that this is mean to be.

During these 6-weeks of looking for a new place to move, what I learned was that when things didn’t turn out the way I wanted, just simply accept what the universe has planned for me, as soon as I accepted it, everything became easy and smooth.  I truly feel that this time I had a hard to find the right single-family house to rent but like the first apartment I have looked at is because the universe is telling me that I am ready to live on my own even when I don’t want to.

Although I am a little afraid but also a bit excited to live alone is because I am finally going to have my own place that I can decorate the way I wanted and invite friends over.  This is my 6th year being single and thanks to the universe that I had two wonderful landlords, and lovely places to live in the last 5 years. It gave me the time to heal.  Maybe this year is another transforming point, a new life, and a new beginning, for me to be ready for the new challenges that yet to come.

“Successful people are willing to be uncomfortable in the interest of growth” as I heard from Mary Morrissey’s three days Dream Builder online event that I know the universe has its own plan for me (or I should say it’s my own plan that I set up for me when I decided to get back to be human again), all I need to do is stay calm and accept the challenges and the opportunities that are coming.

在去年的三月開始就地避難的十個月後 (聖誕節前一週), 當我依舊健康和小心的時候, 我房東告訴我, 因為我無法在家工作, 她母親和她男友都擔心我是高風險, 所以希望我搬家的那天開始, 我觀察著我自己製造出來的想法, 情緒和行為.

我們的腦袋製造想法, 而想法帶著正負面的情緒, 然後情緒會引發不同行為.

我的房東是位三十出頭的年輕女工程師, 大陸人, 和她一起住的這二年關係很好, 常常會交換大陸和台灣在某些政治或文化或價值觀上的不同, 學習彼此在生活中的用語意思, 所以我真的很驚訝聽見搬家這個消息, 尤其當疫苗已經上市, 再幾個月應該就能控制的情況, 這真是我意料之外的事. 但是我珍惜我們之間的關係, 所以我同意找地方搬家. 她給我的期限是六週 (二月初搬出), 所以我馬上開始看房.

去年十二月我無法回台探親, 外加開始注意到月經前會讓我情緒低落的賀爾蒙改變, 所以我開始注意自己情緒的上下起伏, 我發現我自己在不同的時候會有不同的想法, 相對的會有不同的情緒和反應. 這是我第一次深刻的意識到 “所謂我自己創造想法, 進而產生情緒和反應” 是-真-的. 那既然是我自己創造的, 表示我可以自由選擇和改變, 但這需要很多的練習, 而”意識到” 就是第一步.

搬遷 – 可以是好事, 也可以是壞事, 就看你怎麼想. 它可以代表在新地方的一個新生活. 它可以是很新鮮刺激. 但是搬家的確也是很累人的事 (找新地點需要時間和運氣, 打包和安頓, 習慣一個新地點), 而且搬家會讓我感到不安, 所以我不喜歡時常搬動 (我成長過程常常搬遷). 家 – 是一個讓我沉澱的地方, 讓我感到安全和歸屬.

在我已婚的那十二年間我是有自己的房子, 那也是我第一次擁有自己的家, 所以離婚後的這五年在二個不同的房子裡分租房間, 其實在情感上是不太容易的 (即便我有很好的室友們), 但那是最接近我所習慣的生活.

我最初的打算是, 先找獨棟屋的分租, 因為我已經習慣住獨棟屋, 有合得來的室友也挺好, 回家知道家裡有人還是比較安心. 不過我知道這時間點不太好, 加上我沒有很多時間, 所以我會需要好運. 結果二週過去了, 看了很多房子, 都因為生活習慣落差太大而放棄, 畢竟我希望回家是一件放鬆的事. 這下我開始思考也許我需要自己先找到喜歡的房子, 再找室友, 因為這樣我才有一些選擇和控制. 另一個二週又過去了, 我還是沒看到一個會讓我想待上一二年的地方, 這下我開始感到壓力了. 現在剩下十天, 公寓原本不在我的考慮範圍, 但這下, 似乎是最後的選擇, 於是找了一天專門看公寓, 結果馬上就順利找到一間我喜歡的一房公寓, 而且還是第一間我看的地方, 後面看的公寓我都不喜歡.

這間我喜歡的公寓, 有些地方跟我當初設想的不太一樣, 例如它在二樓, 房內沒有自己的洗衣烘衣機, 地點略微南邊, 不過這公寓一共只有八戶, 很單純, 沒有泳池健身房那些我用不到的設施, 剛好位在東西向的轉角間, 很明亮, 全部是木地板, 廚房和浴室都有裝潢過, 社區附近感覺安全和安靜, 路邊停車位很多 (朋友來找我停車才方便), 而且從一開始和房東的接洽經驗也很好, 所以覺得真的是天注定了.

在這一個半月的找房過程我所學習到的經驗是, 當事情不如自己預期的時候, 就接受老天的安排, 一旦接受了, 後面的事情發展反而變得順利很多. 我真心覺得這一次找不到喜歡的獨棟屋分租, 真的是老天在告訴我, 我應該要自己住了 (即便我不願意), 因為找房的過程, 獨棟屋分租非常不順, 看了很多間都不喜歡, 但是找公寓, 第一間就是了. 這不是老天的旨意是什麼?

說真的, 我有點害怕自己住, 但又有點興奮, 因為我終於有屬於自己的地方, 可以按照自己的意思佈置, 邀請朋友來家裡吃飯. 今年是離婚後的第六年, 過去五年老天讓我遇到二位很棒的室友天使, 很舒適的居住環境, 讓我慢慢從谷底爬出來. 而今年也許是一個轉折點, 新的開始, 讓我準備好工作上的突破與衝刺吧.

“成功人士願意為了成長而處在不舒服的情況”, 這是我在Mary Morrissey三天的夢想成真的網路課程上聽到的. 老天有他對我的計畫與安排 (或者說, 當我要投胎時, 我給自己設下的計畫和安排), 我就乖乖的做我該做的, 然後冷靜的面對接下來的發展了.

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