[前世今生] 被遺棄, 不被愛, 居無定所的漂泊, 背後的原因終於找到了


I started learning Hypnotherapy in 2018.  Since then, I have completed three 10-weeks long courses plus one 4-weeks course, and we did quite a few group past life regression sessions but not even once was I able to be in one of the past life.  I know my subconscious didn’t want me to see just yet because I wasn’t ready, and I can sense whatever was there aren’t pleasant or maybe painful.

Since the divorce was finalized in 2015, I was so depressed after the reality hits me, and for a few years I don’t know who I was and I was very lost.  I always have issues with abandonment, not feeling loved, always drifting, and don’t know where is home.  The home I built with my ex-husband was the first time I can call a place home and felt like my home.

Virna Low is the creator of Joyfull Being. She is very intuitive and integrates aromatherapy, bodywork, and energy healing to serve her clients with their issues.  I have been working with her since early this year to help me resolve and improve.  The day before 4th July, I did a session with Virna, and I wanted to focus on feeling more secure, confident and at ease no matter what happens around me but what it ended up finding was totally out of my surprise.

She started by using different essential oils on my feet and on my neck and back with a light massage.  She kept getting knots on some part of my shoulder and she starts talking to herself (did I said she is very intuitive!!! I mean she can channel with higher being for guidance). She said to me that my arm feels like a robot clicks on, can’t be relaxed.  I said it might be because my bag was heavy.  She said, No, it’s more like you always need to DO something, and this DO something is preventing you from moving forward.  I said, Yes, I feel uneasy if I have nothing to do and I want to keep myself busy.  However, I also feel pressure when I am too busy.  Then she is like the light bulb got turned on and said, that’s it. You can’t just BE, just be yourself, with yourself, you need to DO something so you don’t have to be with yourself.  All of sudden, I said Yes, I feel guilty if I am not busy doing something related to work, related to making money.  I forgot what she asked me for me to said that I felt that I am not wanted, I don’t belong and I don’t know where is my home.

Then she asks me to ask my high self take me to the beginning when I felt I am not wanted.  I know what I said at first were all in this lifetime, circling, back and forth (Virna told me afterward that she was thinking we might need to do this again in other time because she felt my resistant but her higher self told her to be patient). We stuck for a little while and then she said she saw a little girl crying.  Then she repeats again, asks my higher self take me back to the beginning of the time when I felt I am not wanted.  I became quiet for a while. All of sudden, I said I am in a very dark place and I can’t see anything (she said afterward that she know we are in the right place). She then guided me by asking, can you light it up by using candles or flashlight? I said, flashlight only see my own hands but nothing else.

She started to help me dig deeper. I don’t know which life it was but the first thing came out of my mouth was “I was the only survivor”. I saw myself standing in a burned down house by myself. I was 2 years old. Virna wanted me to go back to the time before the house got burned down and ask what did I see. I said I saw my grandparents, my parents, and my older sister.  I was playing outside the house and I saw other neighbors started screaming and running. Virna asked me, do I know what happened? I said, my dad owes people a lot of money so he set the house on fire so no one needs to deal with the money problem but he didn’t know I wasn’t in the room napping like my older sister was. My dad said he was very sorry to left me behind.  Virna asks me, how do I feel when my dad said that.  I said, I rather die with them, not be abandon. Virna asks me, where did I go after the fire? Did I grow up? I said I saw an Orphanage and a family. I was married but no kids. My husband is acholic, and I saw myself in two different death themes – one is I hang myself, and the other one is I drowned (Virna said drowned was in a different life).

Virna wants me to go back to where I was ready to reincarnation.  She wants me to ask myself why did I choose to go through life like that.  What was the reason or what were the lessons I want to learn? I said Nothing is real.  Virna asks, what do you mean? The pain wasn’t real? or what is not real? I said Life is like a computer game. Nothing is real. I can’t control what might happen but I have choices on how to deal or handle when something has happened.  In the end, Virna uses a golden healing light to heal my wound, want me to remember the reason for that life and the lesson I learned from that life, and bring me back to the room.

When I open my eyes, I still can’t believe what I was telling her. Now I know why I have trouble to do past life regression before because it was too painful and I wasn’t ready to face it. Now I also know why I always don’t felt loved, wanted, not belong anywhere, always want to have a home but drifting from place to place. When I looked at the clock on the wall, I can’t believe it’s been 2.5 hours because I didn’t felt that long.  I told Virna, it’s 4th July tomorrow and I am going to hiking, bring a book to a coffee shop and just enjoy the time by myself.

It’s been 10 days after that session (I also got sick for 10 days) and I started noticing some subtle changes inside me. I felt much at ease without DOING anything. I felt much calmer whether I am busy or I have nothing to do. The feeling of not wanted, not loved, wanting to belong somewhere, or feeling drift is slowly fade away.  I begin to feel that I know who I am, I know I am worthy, and I know I will love myself and I know I can handle whatever happens in life.  I know I will be fine.

我是去年開始學催眠, 我已經完成了三堂十週和一堂四周的課程. 這在一年多來, 我們做了好幾次團體的追朔前世的練習, 但我總是無法進入, 我知道我的潛意識還沒準備好讓我看到, 因為我有感覺那是個很痛苦的經歷.

自從2015年的離婚確定後, 生活有很大的轉變, 這個認知終於打趴我, 憂鬱症終於發生, 那幾年我不知道我是誰, 我不知道為何活著. 從小到大我總是覺得不被愛, 不被需要, 不斷的漂浮, 不知道家在哪裡. 我和前夫所建立的家, 是我第一次有歸屬感, 有一個地方我可以稱為家.

Virna Low (劉煊儀) 是一位直覺靈感很通的人, 她結合芳療, 按摩, 和能量一起來為客人解決他們的問題. 我從今年初開始和她做了幾個療程, 慢慢清理我內心深處的問題. 今年國慶日前一天我和她又做了一個療程, 這次的主題原本是安全感, 自信和自在, 但最後得到的結果卻出乎我意料之外.

她一開始先用幾款精油幫我擦腳底和按摩肩背, 然後他不斷按到一些打結的地方, 然後她開始自問自答, 她說你的手臂好像是機器人的手臂被扣在肩上, 一直無法放鬆, 我說右肩是因為背包包吧, 她說不是, 然後她說你好像要一直Do something, 而這個Do something就是一直阻礙你往前進步的原因. 我突然說, 對, 我不忙就會很不安, 我會想讓自己一直忙, 但是很忙的時候我也感到壓力. 然後她突然有賓果的感覺, 她說對, 就這個, 你無法自在的當你自己, 跟你自己相處, 你必須要做點什麼, 這樣你就不用跟你自己相處. 我說對, 因為我如果不忙, 我覺得我有罪惡感, 沒在為賺錢的事努力. 我忘了後來她是怎樣讓我說出我覺得自己不被需要, 我不屬於任何地方, 我不知道家在哪裡.

然後她說, 那讓你的高我, 你的潛意識帶你回到你覺得You are not wanted的起始點, 我知道我一開始說的都一直停留在這一世 (Virna事後告訴我, 她本來想說如果我一直抗拒而進不去, 可能要再擇期再試, 但她的高我一直叫她要有耐心), 一直到後來, Virna突然說她看到一個小女孩在哭, 然後她又重複的說, 讓你的高我, 你的潛意識帶你回到你最初感到You are not wanted的起始點, 我知道我安靜了一段時間, 沒想到, 我突然說我看到很黑的地方, 我什麼都看不見 (Virna事後告訴我, 這時她就知道來到對的地方了). 後來她引領我說, 那用蠟燭或手電筒有幫助嗎? 我說手電筒只看到我自己的手, 沒看到其他的東西.

當她開始往更深一層的挖掘, 居然帶我回到不知道哪一世的我, 先看到我站在一間燒掉的房子, 然後我說我是唯一的生存者, Virna要我把時間再往前看, 我看到二歲的我在家裡外面玩耍, 突然聽到很多大人的尖叫, 但我不懂發生什麼事, Virna要我把時間再往前看, 我看到祖父母, 父母和姐姐. 後來Virna問我知道怎麼發生火災的嗎? 我說我爸爸因為欠人很多錢, 怕我們大家吃苦, 所以故意放火把一家人都燒死, 卻沒想到我沒跟姊姊一樣, 乖乖在房裡睡午覺, 爸爸說他對我很抱歉, 讓我一個人留下來. 後來Virna問我, 爸爸對我那樣說後有什麼感覺? 我說我寧願跟他們一起死了, 而不是被遺棄. Virna問我後來到哪裡去了? 有長大成人嗎? 我說我看到孤兒院和一戶家庭, 我後來有結婚但沒小孩, 丈夫愛喝酒, 後來我看到我自己二個死亡的情景, 一個是上吊, 一個是溺死 (Virna事後告訴我, 她看到我溺死是在別世).

Virna要我時間再往前, 到我要投胎之前, 問我為什麼要選擇這麼痛苦的經驗, 我從中想得到什麼結果? 我說, 沒有一樣是真的. Virna反問我說, 你的意思是指那些痛不是真的? 還是什麼? 我說, 人生就像一場電腦遊戲, 沒有一樣是真的. 我無法控制人生當中會發生什麼, 但是我可以選擇要如何面對和處理鎖發生的事情. 然後她用金黃色的光來療癒我的傷口, 要我記得我當初想學的人生經歷是我無法控制會發生什麼事, 但我對於如何處理是有選擇的, 然後讓我回來.

當我回到當下, 我還是不敢相信我告訴Virna有關那一世所發生的事, 不過我現在終於知道, 為什麼在催眠學校上課時, 每次要做前世追朔, 我都進不去或者不想進去, 因為太痛了. 也終於知道, 為什麼我一直感到不被愛, 不知道自己屬於哪裡, 一直在漂泊, 很想要一個家, 但似乎一直得不到等等的原因了. 看了時鐘, 發現這個療程做了二個半小時, 我卻不覺得有那麼久啊. 後來我跟Virna說, 明天國慶日, 我打算自己去Hiking, 然後帶本書, 去家咖啡店, 坐著好好享受一個人的時間.

距離那個療程已經十天了 (同時我也病了十天), 我開始感覺內心一些微妙的改變, 我對於無所事事感到自在多了, 不論我很忙或者不忙都可以很冷靜自在, 那個感到不被愛, 不被需要, 不知道自己屬於哪裡, 或是漂泊的感覺慢慢的消失. 相反的, 我開始感覺到我知道我自己是誰, 我知道我是值得的, 我知道我會好好愛自己, 而且不論未來發生什麼事, 我都有能力可以面對處理. 我知道我會沒事的.

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