I have my first mandala art with my girlfriends last Friday. Then, I went to Tahoe with friends over the weekend for a few days. We went on a short hike the morning before we head home. The old snow covered the trail so we can only follow the old footsteps up and down which was a bit scary because it was very icy. We managed to get up and down safely. Just when I was feeling safe after step on the dirt road, I slip and fell on my face down, and twisted my left ankle. I guess I stepped on the invisible black ice.
Fast forward, two days later was our 2nd mandala art gathering and my girlfriends asked me how did you get hurt? So I told them what happened. Then, she asked me, why do you think you get hurt? I gave it a thought and said because I didn’t really want to go on that hike that morning since I already hike two days in a roll, and I didn’t feel safe when I saw the icy trail. So I guess my body reflected on my thought in a way that I hurt my ankle so now I don’t need to hike for a few weeks if not months. I guess my body is more honest than my head. The lesson here – I need to be true to myself more and this needs practice.
The topic for this time is – What is your current predicament/dilemma?
We first each blind pick 3 Bach flower remedies and then drop 4 drops from each bottle into a cup of water and drink it. We will look at each remedy and see how it corespondent to us after we have done the mandala.
I didn’t know what to say when it’s my time to share because I didn’t really know how I create this piece. However, when I looked at it, a few of the color blocks or lines that stand out which is the white diamond, black triangle and blue starburst. I don’t know why I use many pointed shapes with half-round shapes this time (last time were all rounded) but I noticed that they are all pointed toward the outside.
I don’t have a clear idea about my current predicament/dilemma. I know I felt that I need to study more, learn more, from taking more classes on many subjects. It feels that I never good enough because there is always someone else who is better. On the other hand, sometimes I felt I have learned so much and so many different things but somehow nothing is good enough or professional enough.
Maybe because those “experts” that I see today all have some sort of “PhD”, “License” or some type of credentials that gives them the authority. Also, many of them can talk in scientific ways, using professional language/vocabulary that sounds and looks very good.
So when I look at them and look at myself, I would question am I good enough if I can’t talk like them? Would people believe what I am offering is working?
However, deep in my heart believe that I am as a healer is there to provide a safe and loving space with the tools/knowledge that I know to help people who are ready to look inside, to start their self-healing journey. We heal each other along the way so I shouldn’t need to “convince” you what I am offering is working because your body would know if you pay attention. All you need to ask is, 1. Are you ready to begin your healing? 2. Do you like this style/method/modality that I am offering? 3. Are you ready to do your work?
If I need to have a PhD or need to talk the way like those experts, to use some sort of machine that can be proved in a scientific way in order for you to believe that I can help you in your healing, then I am not the right person for you because that’s not how I heal myself. I trust my intuition and body reactions/sensations. I believe each one of us has the power within us to heal. However, on the other hand, I still struggled with what an ideal expert should be like (inner push and pull about what a healer should be and who am I).
I also see that my learning is a condition to making money, meaning I paid to learn something, and I want to make money after I have learned. Although that might be true for the majority of people, (you use the degree or skills in school to make a living) somehow I felt guilty about it. It’s true that I need to make a living no matter what type of job I am doing. I do wish one day I made enough money that I can spend money to learn something that is out of pure interest, not for making money.
At the end of the day, learning is never going to stop and I do want to keep learning for my own healing sake, my own interest, my own exploration not to prove anything. There are many people who will be on and off your healing journey and they are all in the right place and at the right time, and they are working in different ways to help you in different areas. You just need to be open to receive.
So now I saw both pointed shapes (white diamond, black triangle, and blue starburst lines) and the half-round is repeating in my mandala art this time which kind of represents the Integration/run-in is what my current predicament/dilemma that I need to work on.
* I noticed the music which makes me cry last time no longer affects me. My girlfriend says it’s because I have reconnected the music with a new experience that is happy and loved with mandala art. This is the power of healing.
Scleranthus – suffer from being unable to decide between two things.
Gorse – for people who have given up belief and hope.
Chicory – very mindful of the needs of others; full of love and care for their families and friends but they expect to receive love and attention in return. Their great love can lead them to hold onto their loved ones and try to keep them dependent and close to hand.
上週五是我的第一次直覺曼達拉藝術療癒課, 然後我就和朋友去太浩湖玩了幾天. 在我們要離開太浩湖的當天上午去做最後一次的健行. 舊雪掩蓋了路線, 所以我們只能按照前人的腳印上下山. 我覺得有點害怕, 因為踩過的雪已經成為很滑很硬的冰. 我們總算是安全的上去又下來, 就在我們已經踩在泥土路上, 我以為已經安全的時候, 卻突然滑倒, 臉朝下, 右手支撐身體, 左手按住左腳踝, 因為左腳踝扭傷很痛. 我想我是沒注意的踩到黑冰而滑倒.
快轉二天, 又來到我們第二次的直覺曼達拉藝術療癒課, 女友見面劈頭就問, 怎麼受傷的? 我解釋源由後, 她又問, 那你覺得你為什麼會受傷? 我想了一下說, 因為那天我其實是不想去走那冰雪地. 前二天我已經走很多路了, 而且因為空氣乾燥讓我連續幾晚頭痛沒睡好, 加上那個冰雪地讓我感覺不安全, 所以我猜我的身體反應我的心理, 因為我的身體比心理誠實. 所以這個教訓就是, 我需要對自己誠實, 而這需要練習.
我們每個人先自由挑選三瓶英國花精, 每瓶滴四滴在水裡喝掉. 我們最後畫完畫之後再來看每瓶花精對應到什麼.
輪到我分享的時候腦筋一片空白. 不過當我看著我的畫, 我發現有幾個色塊跳出眼前, 白色菱形, 黑色三角形, 藍色星型線條. 我不知道為什麼這一次我有用較多的尖型的色塊和線條, 而且都是對著外面.
我對我目前的困境不是很明確. 我知道我一直覺得需要再多學習, 多上課, 多接觸不同主題. 一方面我覺得自己永遠都不夠好, 因為我看著外面有好多人都比我聰明, 比我更棒. 另一方面我又覺得我已經會很多東西了, 但好像都不夠專精.
也許我眼中的那些專家都有博士學位, 有很多執照或證照, 或很多背景和經歷, 讓他們看起來很有資格. 而且他們都很能說, 很能用科學的方式解釋, 用專有名詞解說, 也讓他們看起來很強.
所以當我看著他們, 在看著自己, 我就會質疑, 如果我不能像他們那樣, 那我夠格嗎? 那大家會相信我所提供的服務會有效嗎?
但是在我內心深處, 我相信我身為一個療癒者, 我所做的是提供一個安全和有愛的地方, 分享我所會的知識和技能, 來幫助那些已經準備好開始他們自己的療癒之旅的人. 我們互相療癒, 所以我不需要去說服或證明什麼, 你的心和你的身體會知道. 你所要問的只有三件事, 1. 你準備好開始你的療癒? 2. 你喜歡我所提供的服務和技能? 3. 你願意做你自己的功課?
如果我需要一個博士學位或者像那些專家的說話方式, 使用一些具有科學證明的儀器來讓你相信我可以幫助你, 那我想我不適合你, 因為那不是我自己療癒的方式和風格. 我相信我的直覺和身體反應. 我相信我們每個人都有能力療癒自己. 雖然如此, 我的內心還是會在, 專家應該是什麼樣, 和我是誰, 這二邊拉扯.
我也意識到我的學習都是以賺錢為目的, 我付錢去學習, 所以學成後我需要能以此為生. 雖然多數人都是 (去學校拿一個學位或者去學一個專業技能, 然後以此為賺錢工具), 但不知為何, 身為療癒者的我還是有點罪惡. 不過現實生活我就是必須工作賺錢來養活自己, 不管我是從事哪個行業. 不過我也希望有一天, 我可以單純的為了樂趣而學習.
學習是沒有終點的, 但我希望我的學習是為了自己, 因為興趣, 多方探討, 而不是為了要向誰證明什麼. 我們的療癒之旅上, 在不同的時間, 會出現很多不同的人, 而且他們都在對的時間出現, 你只需要打開心胸去接受.
最後我在看著尖型和半圓形的色塊, 我開始覺得他們代表我內心的衝突和整合, 也許那就是我目前的困境吧.
* 我有發現當天的背景音樂有出現上次讓我聽了很難過的那首曲子, 但這次我卻沒有傷心的反應. 女友說, 因為上次的曼達拉已經換了一種方式幫我療癒, 那首音樂在上次被重新與開心和愛的感受連結, 所以當我這次在聽到時, 不在傷心了. 這種療癒的方式真的很讚!!!
線球草 (Scleranthus) – 很難在二個選擇中做出決定(或堅持決定, 或隨時改變心意), 因為恐懼做出承諾 (害怕一但成定局無法改變, 所以是害怕被困住的恐懼). 當事人無法相信自己, 缺乏內心的平衡, 很容易被牽著鼻子走, 想要掩飾自己內心的懷疑感, 往往等著別人替他做決定, 越是感到壓力, 他越想逃離,
荊豆 (Gorse) – 可能因為長期掙扎於健康, 工作或個人生活, 或是外界的事件, 源自失去或一再的打擊, 導致一點一滴失去希望, 甚至感到絕望. 當事人覺得自己不是情緒化, 而是處在清醒的理智狀態.
菊苣 (Chicory) – 對他人需求非常留心的人; 藉由幫助所愛的人, 來控制對方; 他們的認知是, 愛的認知是依賴, 一種令人感到窒息的限制關係; 透過做些什麼來換取愛, 用愛別人來填補自己內在的空虛.
後記: 如果灣區朋友有興趣嘗試 “直覺曼達拉藝術療癒課”, 你不需要有繪畫基礎, 也不需要是走身心靈這一條路的, 你只需要單純的有興趣, 願意放開心胸嘗試, 來聊天, 來舒壓, 可以跟我說, 因為主辦的女友想要看看 “一般人” 的經驗, 來作為她未來開課教學的參考. 目前以中文為主, 以成人優先, 一週一次, 每次4人, 地點在Saratoga, 時間可能在六月或之後.